Free Time
by Emerald Awakening
Summary: A collection of random stories of what the Akatsuki do in their free time. Rated T for Hidan's colourful language.
1. Shopping

Basically this is going to be a collection of Akatsuki stories when they're not on missions. Updates will probably be random but I'll try updating once or twice a month.

Enjoy~

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto nor its characters.

* * *

Chapter 1: Shopping

Pein gazed at the gathered Akatsuki members minus Konan.

"I have called you all here because I have an important mission that will take all your efforts combined to complete"

"Ooh!" Tobi raised his hand, "Are we catching the tailed beasts?"

"No. This mission is far more important and dangerous. Konan is on her period. I have prepared a list of items you must bring back before evening, or else"

"Or else what, hm?"

"Or else Konan will get mad at me. Now go!"

* * *

At the grocery store

Sasori read off the list,

"Comfort food, flowers, and... tampons"

"We should split into three groups to save time" Itatchi decided.

"DIBS ON COMFORT FOOD!" Hidan and Deidara called at the same time.

"Tobi will go with Senpai!"

" **I'll pick out the flowers** " Zetsu announced leaving.

"I'll go with him" Kakazu said following Zetsu.

"That leaves us" Kisame looked at Sasori and his partner.

"Is it really ok leaving the comfort food to those brats?" Sasori indicated to the three walking off already in an argument.

"Even an idiot could do it, they'll be fine"

* * *

"Senpai what's comfort food?"

"It's food you eat to feel comforted, hm"

"Senpai what's a period?"

"It's that thing girls do"

"What thing?"

"bleed, un"

"Why do they bleed? Did Konan get a paper cut?"

"You explain Hidan, hm!"

"Tobi you idiot! They bleed because they're girls. It can't get fuckin' simpler than that"

"No more questions, hm"

The three stopped in front of the sweet aisle.

"So does anyone know what Konan likes?"

"Marshmallows!" Tobi exclaimed.

"Hey, how the fuck do we know if the food is really comforting?"

"Silly Hidan, we try it!" Tobi grabbed a bag of marshmallows and popped it open, the marshmallows flying everywhere.

Hidan shrugged and ripped opened a bag of M&Ms dumping the whole thing in his mouth.

Following suite Deidara took a few bars of everything.

Together the three made sure that every sweet in the aisle was worthy of being called comfort food.

* * *

Kakuzu followed Zetsu around the store's garden.

He believed buying flowers to be a waste of money but since Pein ordered it he had no choice but to stand there as Zetsu browsed.

" _How about these?_ " White Zetsu asked him pointing to some roses.

"Too expensive"

" **This one?** " Black Zetsu picked up a pot of Daisies.

"Too expensive"

" _Thes-_ "

"Too expensive"

" **They're all too expensive for you!** "

"They're all a waste of money"

" _So which do you think we should buy?"_

Kakuzu looked around the store and spotted some yellow wild flowers growing outside the store's garden area.

"Let's take those ones. There's no price tag"

" _But those are-"_

"Free"

* * *

Sasori, Itachi, and Kisame stared at the variety of packages filling the shelves before them.

"Which one do we take?" Kiame asked looking at the two beside him.

"Does it really matter?" Sasori grabbed the closest package.

"Is that really ok?"

"Relax Itachi, Sasori probably gets this stuff for Deidara all the time"

"The brat's a guy"

Kisame burst out laughing.

"That was a good one"

"I'm not joking"

Kisame laughed again.

"Man Sasori, you're a funny guy"

"I think I would know my partner's gender"

"He's not joking Kisame"

"DEIDARA'S A GUY!?"

" **What are you guys screaming about?** " Zetsu asked as he and Kakuzu came over, finished with their 'shoppings'.

"DEIDARA'S A GUY!"

" _And?_ "

"DID EVERYONE KNOW?"

"Pretty much" Itachi answered.

"Now lets hurry and pay for these. I hate waiting in line" Sasori declared.

* * *

"I can't believe we actually had to pay for trying all those sweets we tried, hm!"

"Don't worry Senpai, Tobi still has his bag of marshmallows!"

"Hey idiots, look over there" Hidan pointed to a toy section.

"TOBI WANTS AN ELSA AND OLAF DOLL!"

Tobi ran in and started opening the toy packages.

Deidara and Hidan followed the masked man-child.

"Hey Hidan, do you think I can explode play-doh like I do with my clay, hm?"

Hidan shrugged.

"I wanna replace all of Kakuzu's fucking money with the kind from monopoly"

The three got busy and were soon kicked out of the toy section too.

"Let's go home hm"

* * *

The Akatsuki stood before Pein.

One of Kakuzu's hearts stopped when he saw the receipt.

"So you spent over $1000 on dandelions, a half eaten bag of marshmallows, and XXL pads?"

"Fuck yeah"

"SHINRA TENSEI!"

Needless to say, Konan blamed Pein for the insufficient shopping's and he had to go back to the store himself to buy the things on the list.


	2. The Akatsuki Diner

Disclaimer: I still don't own Naruto

* * *

Chapter 2: The Akatsuki Diner

The Akatsuki members stared at Pein.

"For once it wasn't me who called this meeting"

Kakauzu stood up.

"I've found a way to make more money for the organization"

Everyone groaned.

"You're not lowering our budget even more are you?" Konan demanded to know.

"No. After going on a mission with Hidan I've realized how much we spend on food. Starting today the Akatsuki will now run a restaurant!"

"A restaurant? And who do you think knows how to cook here?" Pein asked him.

"Konan"

"Me? Why!? Because I'm a woman!?"

"Yes"

"Screw you!" Konan grabbed Pein and stormed off, dragging the orange-head behind her.

Kakuzu watched her go.

"Must be that time of month"

* * *

They decided they should set up a restaurant away from the actual hideout.

Hidan finished killing the shinobi who owned the diner.

"Wow Hidan, for once in your life you used your brain!" Kakuzu looked at his partner impressed, "It didn't even occur to me that we could just steal someone else's diner! Now we don't have to pay for the food or rent!"

"Ahh, yeah, that's why I killed them"

An hour later

A teenage couple came in and placed their order to Kakuzu who stood behind the cash register.

"Over $200 just for lunch for 2?!"

"It's worth it" Kakuzu eagerly grabbed the money out of the guy's hand, "Take a seat anywhere"

"Tobi! Give the idi- the cooks the orders. Hidan!"

"The fuck do you want?"

"You're going to be the waiter"

"What do I get from it?"

"I won't decapitate your body and spread it far across the ocean"

"Well aren't you the nicest. Fuck you!"

"I'll let you keep a quarter of the tips you get"

"Hell! I get entire of the tips I make"

"Fine. Half of the tip is yours"

"Whole"

"Half"

"Whole!"

Kakuzu grabbed him by the neck, "Half or you'll only be left with half a body!"

"Tch, whatever you fucking money loving atheist. Konan's not the only one PMS-ing"

"One more thing Hidan"

"What now!?"

"You should change into more… suitable clothing. You're the waiter remember?"

"I'm not gonna put a damn shirt on, forget it!"

"Are you an idiot? Never mind, time and time again you prove that… As a waiter you should wear no shirt or cloak. No cloak, more service, bigger tip"

* * *

Tobi gave the order to Sasori. He glanced at it before deciding the best people to cook the dishes.

"Itachi, you cook the steak. I'll prepare the rice"

"Sure"

Sasori got to work.

He dumped the rice in a pot of water and let it cook.

"Sasori, my man, aren't you supposed to spice food or something?"

"Shut up brat, I know what I'm doing!" He snapped.

Deidara frowned but walked away without another word.

Sasori hated to admit it but the brat did have a point.

He grabbed a box of salt and poured all of it into the rice. As a puppet he couldn't taste but he was sure salt would give the food some distinct flavour.

Meanwhile, Itachi stared down at the piece of meat in front of him.

He looked in both directions to make sure no one was around to see him.

"Fire-style! Fireball Jutsu!"

Itachi stared at the charred meat in front of him. Grabbing a fork he pressed down on the hard thing and noticed the edge crumble to ashes.

"I'm sure… It's not that noticeable"

* * *

Hidan took the three dishes to the only occupied table.

The teenage girl giggled and blushed when he went to put the plate of rice in front of her.

He was about to leave when she grabbed his arm and pulled down so that she could whisper into his ear.

"Do you have time for dessert?"

"If you want dessert ask the old shit at the cash register"

She laughed and pulled out a bill slipping it in his pants.

"Hey!" Kakuzu came over, "No one molests the waiter without giving me a bonus!"

The teenage guy stood up fuming.

"Bonus? You serve us charred shit and deathly salty crap, accuse my girlfriend of having eyes on other men, AND demand a bonus! I want a refund!"

"If you have any complaints talk to customer service"

The guy got up and stormed over to customer service.

"I want my money back!"

" **And** **I want to eat you** "

The girl screamed as Zetsu ate him and ran out the diner.

"Come again soon" Kakuzu called.

* * *

Later

Pein and Konan strolled in the same time Orochimaru and Kabuto walked in.

Placing their orders they sat in different areas of the diner.

"Too bad there isn't an Uchiha waiter. I would pay twice the amount if there was" Orochimaru said loudly.

Kakazu perked up.

"Itachi! Out here! Tobi, you take his place in the kitchen!"

Itachi came out and looked from Orochimaru to Hidan's 'uniform'.

"No"

"Oh yes, or I'll give him your number"

"I hate my life"

"Of course you do. Off with the shirt, and smile! I'm not paying you to put our customers into depression"

"You're not paying me at all"

"Sucks to be you"

* * *

Sasori took some crushed chilli pepper and made sure the chicken was covered in it. He wanted it to have flavour and remembered that chilli pepper gives food a kick.

"Hey brat, are you done with the burgers?"

"Yeah, hm"

"Give this to Hidan as well"

"Sure thing, Sasori my man"

Hidan went to the kitchen to get the plates of food.

"Hey Hidan, hm!"

Hidan looked down at the two burgers.

"Damn it Deidara, which one is Pein's and which is the nerd's!?"

"Who knows? I had my hands lick both though, hm"

Hidan laughed and opened both burgers spitting in both.

Taking the dishes he noticed the only thing to distinguish the two were the second order, soup and chicken.

"Table 2… and table 5…"

Hidan really wished he knew how to count. He knew nothing good would come from skipping kindergarten to smoke Rockets.

Shrugging he took a guess. He had a 2 in 5 chance after all. He smirked silently praising Jashin for his math skills.

First he placed one of the burgers in front of the nerd and handed the snake guy ogling Itachi the soup.

Then he went to Pein and Konan handing them the burger and chicken.

He waited to see Pein take a big bite of the burger and burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?"

Hidan fell to the ground laughing so hard.

Konan took a bite out of the chicken and screamed.

"WATER!"

"That's my job!" Kisame jumped out from… somewhere… "Water style Jutsu!"

Konan got drenched from head to toe.

"No need to thank me!"

Kisame turned to check if the other customers needed any water.

Orochimaru had Itachi's arm and was trying to pull him under the table.

"You!" Kisame shouted, "That's my brother! How dare you?!"

For a second Itachi felt something warm spread through his chest.

Brother… He felt so loved!

"You hear me!? That shark in your shark-fin soup was my brother!"

Itachi went to sulk in the dark corner of the diner.

Suddnly Tobi ran out of the kitchen. Followed by Deidara and Sasori.

"Tobi you idiot, hm!"

"I will poison you when we get back!"

"Konan helllpppp!"

"Why are you chasing poor Tobi!?"

"The idiot started a fire in the kitchen, hm!"

"Save the money!" Kakuzu screamed grabbing the cash register and running out.

They all watched as the diner burned to ash.

"Can we get some ice cream now?"

"Sure thing Tobi!" Konan smiled, "And I'm sure Kakuzu would be more than happy to pay"

And since Konan wanted 20+ scoops on her cone, plus sprinkles, she went through Kakuzu's money.

Kakuzu sighed, "I knew I should have gone with the Akatsuki hair salon"


	3. Akatsuki VS Dora the Explorer

Don't ask me how I came up with this one...

Disclaimer: Obviously I don't own Naruto, or Dora

* * *

Chapter 3: Akatsuki VS Dora the Explorer

Pein gazed at the group of misfits.

"FLEETING, hm!"

"Eternal"

"Let it go! Let it go! Can't hold me back anymore~!"

"Shut the fuck up Tobi!"

"Quit swinging that damn scythe, you could break something expensive!"

" _I'm hungry_ "

" **Eat Itachi, his back is turned** "

"SHINRA TENSEI!"

His attack missed the members he was aiming for and hit Kisame who just walked in.

Pein cleared his throat.

"As you know me and Konan are going on a much deserved vacatio- Mission. A much deserved mission"

"Pein! Have you seen my beach ball?"

"I already packed it"

"What type of mission involves a beach ball, hm?"

"The adult type. While we're gone I want **no trouble whatsoever**. You are all to stay inside the base. Somehow you guys have managed to get the Akatsuki banned from every public place you go to! Am I clear?"

"Crystal!" Konan said grabbing Pein's arm and dragging him out the hideout.

The rest of the Akatsuki glanced at each other before fighting again.

* * *

Deidara lay on the couch tossing his clay up and down. Beside him Itachi and Zetsu were watching some nature channel program. Tobi stood in front of Deidara, desperately trying to get his attention, while the remaining Akatsuki members were playing a game of strip poker, Kakuzu was winning, still having all his clothes on.

"Senpai! Senpai!"

"Ugh, leave me alone, hm!"

"But senpai! There's an intruder in the base!"

All heads shot up.

"You took this long to mention it!?"

Tobi laughed.

"Well fuck, where is he?" Hidan asked a little too enthusiastically.

"It's a she!" Tobi exclaimed.

"Any idea who?" Sasori asked.

"Tobi knows! It's Dora the Explorer!"

"..."

Everyone groaned.

"For Jashin's sake, grow the fuck up Tobi"

The members went back to doing nothing.

Out of nowhere a little girl popped out followed by a monkey in boots.

"Hola I'm Dora!"

"And I'm Boots!"

"..."

Dora smiled sweetly at them.

"Swiper no swiping jutsu!"

A fox with a mask appeared from thin air and quikly grabbed some of the Akatsuki's things, throwing them into Dora's backpack.

"That thing just stole my clay pouch, hm!"

"Fucking bitch took my Scythe!"

"Samehada is gone!"

"MY MONEY!"

Dora tried to run away, but Sasori and Kakuzu jumped in front of her.

Sasori summoned a puppet while Kakuzu released his arm, aiming to kill her.

Dora's backpack started singing.

Suddenly kunins flew out of it cutting Sasori's chakra strings and Kakuzu's threads.

Boots grabbed 4 more out of the backpack and flung them at Kakuzu's hearts.

"Critical hit, it's super effective!"

Dora ran past them.

Itachi used a genjutsu to trap Dora.

A map appeared from Dora's backpack and started singing.

"Show me a way out of this, map!"

Dora broke out of the genjutsu and continued running.

Zetsu popped out from the floor right in front of her.

"Go Diego go!"

She reached into her backpack and threw Diego at Zetsu.

" **Yum!** "

Diego screamed as Zetsu mauled him to death.

She was almost at the exit of the base

Tobi blocked her path.

"You shall not pass!"

Dora ran straight through him.

"Oops!"

* * *

At a beach resort.

"Pein, I'm worried about the kids"

"They're fine, don't worry"

"Call it a woman'n intuition, I think somethings wrong!"

"The'yre safe inside the hideout, what could possibly go wrong?"

* * *

"So what do we do now, hm?"

"Are you a fucking idiot or did Zetsu eat your Jashin damned brain? We sacrifice the bitch to Jashin"

"For once I agree with Hidan. But first, I take her heart"

"Can I make her into art when you guys are done, hm?"

" **I want to eat her"**

 ** _"_** _No fair! You ate the he-Dora"_

 ** _"I'm still hungry, you can eat the monkey_**

"I want to make a puppet out of the monkey"

"Guys!" Tobi exclaimed. "You can't do any of that! Leader-sama said not to go outside"

They stared at Tobi.

"Fuck that"

* * *

The eight Akatsuki members sat at the back of the bus like cool kids.

"Hey Deidara, where the fuck do we find Dora?"

"How should I know, hm"

"You're a girl, duh"

"Kisame leaned in and whispered, "He's actually a guy"

"WHAT THE FUCK!? NO WAY!"

"You guys are attracting too much attention" Itachi muttered.

Kakuzu got up and went to the front of the bus where a lady was sitting.

"Where do I go to find little girls?" He asked her.

"You pedophile!" She screamed and slapped him.

Kakuzu took her heart.

"Three more to go"

They finally reached their stop.

"Hey you need to pay!" the bus driver screamed at them.

Kakuzu went back on the bus and took his heart too.

* * *

The eight walked around.

"Where to now, hm?"

Kisame pointed, "Look a thrift shop!"

Shrugging they went inside.

"Senpai! Senpai! Push me around the store!" Tobi called sittting in a shopping cart.

"No way, hm!"

"That looks like fun!" Kisame jumped in the shopping cart next to Tobi.

"Itachi! push me around the store!"

Itachi turned to the person next to him.

"I don't know them"

"Look at that Kabuto!" Orochimaru walked into the thrift store, "Would you buy my these sharingan contacts!?"

Itachi grabbed Kisame's cart and bolted out of sight.

"Senpaiii look! I found our stuff!"

Sure enough in the cart there was Deidara's clay, Hidan's scythe, Samehada, and Kakuzu's money.

So the eight Akatsuki members got in line.

"I hate waiting!" Sasori pushed the people in front of them into Zetsu.

 _"Yum!"_

The cashier scanned all their items.

"That will be a total of $5.00"

"Five whole dollars!" Kakazu took his heart.

* * *

After searching and searching, they finally ended up at a beach resort.

"Hola I'm Dora"

"And I'm Boo-"

"Shut up!"

"Ok! I'm gonna make art out of her, hm"

"Fuck off Deidara, I'm sacrificing the bitch to Jashin"

"I'm taking her heart!"

" **I want to eat her** "

A staff member came up to them.

"Your arguing is scaring other people. I'm afraid you will have to leave right away"

Of course Pein had to walk by at that moment.

"You guys… Shinra Tensai!"

His attack missed the Akatsuki and he killed Dora by mistake.

"Pein!" Konan strode up to him, "Did you just get us banned from this place too?

"No uh-"

"Shinra paper cut!"

And on the bus ride home, Kakazu finally got a fifth heart.


	4. Akatsuki Christmas

A little late for Christmas I know.

* * *

Chapter 4: Akatsuki Christmas 

Obito watched the snow fall… memories of a raven haired boy making snowmen with a girl with purple facial markings haunted him.

"It's beautiful isn't it?" Konan appeared behind him.

 _It's cold and bitter-sweet._

"Tobi can't wait to play in the snow, Tobi's a good boy!"

"You know Tobi, Santa rewards good boys!"

 _Have you lost your wits? Santa's a child's belief._

"Reallyyy? Tobi will get LOT'S of presents from him, right?"

"Of course" She smiled at him.

Obito was about to leave the room when the room filled with the rest of the Akatsuki.

 _What the… If Nagito called a meeting he definitely would have known…_

"Everyone I have important news!" Konan announced, "We're going to celebrate Christmas!"

 _Why would we do that?_

"That's greaattt Konan-san!" He chirped in his Tobi-voice.

"It's a waste of money" Kakuzu glared.

"Wait what's Christmas, hm?"

 _Now I know where the dumb blond jokes come from._

"It's when family and friends get together and celebrate by exchanging gifts!"

 _But we're neither friends nor family._

"We bake gingerbread cookies, decorate a tree, and in the morning Santa comes!" Konan gushed.

"Santa, hm?"

"Santa's some made up fat guy in red who spies on kids ALL THE FUCKIN' TIME, Then he creeps into their homes at night and steals their milk and cookies" Hidan explained.

"Kinda like Zetsu, hm"

"Pretty much" Sasori agreed.

"Wait" Everyone turned to Tobi, "Santa is made up?" He began to sniffle and make fake crying noises.

"Of course not Tobi! Hidan is a bad boy who only gets coal on Christmas!"

Tobi brightened up, "I knew it! Tobi can't wait for Christmas!"

Konan smiled at him.

"Now go to bed Tobi, there's so much to do for tomorrow"

"Yes Konan-san!"

 _How I hate Christmas…_

* * *

"Is everyone ready?" Konan asked looking over her 'children' to make sure they were dressed warmly.

"Can we just get this shit over with?" Hidan asked.

Konan frowned at him and went to Itachi wrapping a red scarf over him.

Hidan and Deidara fell to the ground laughing.

"Don't worry, I have something for you two as well!"

Konan went to Deidara and pulled a red hat over his head.

"That's gonna ruin my hair!" He whined.

Kisame snickered, "What a girl"

Then Konan went to Hidan and handed him a red coat.

"No fucking way!"

Tobi giggled, "Hidan looks like Santa!"

"That would make Kakuzu the scrooge" Kisame laughed at his own joke as the zombie duo glared at him.

"And Sasori can be Rudolph the red haired reindeer!"

"It's red nose you idiot, hm"

Tobi laughed and put his arms behind his head.

"Your totally right Senpai!"

* * *

The nine arrived at a big shopping mall.

"I'm going to go pick out a tree, stay with your partner everyone"

The moment she was out of sight the group scattered.

"Hey senpai! What do you wanna do?"

"Nothing with you, leave me alone Tobi!"

"Awe c'mon Senpai!"

Tobi followed his Senpai around the store eagerly. Obito wanted nothing more than to be back at the hideout, Nagito was so lucky.

"Tobi, hm"

"What is it Senpai"

"I know something we can do" Deidara turned to him with an evil glint in his eyes.

"What is it?"

Deidara pulled him outside.

 _Damn brat, its cold outside!_

"OK, just stand here, hm"

Deidara ran a few meters away.

Bending down he scooped some snow up patting it into a snow ball… And used his mask as a target.

Deidara laughed as Obito wiped snow off it.

 _I could kill you in an instant if I wanted to!_

Obito cursed his luck as his 'beloved Senpai' threw snowball after snowball at his face.

"C'mon Senpai! Stop it!" Tobi ran flailing his arms and ended up slipping on ice.

This only made Deidara laugh harder.

Obito controlled his emotions.

As Deidara walked by Tobi 'accidentally' tripped him.

"Oops sorry Senpai! Let Tobi help you up!"

Obito got up and deliberately fell back on Deidara.

"Evil ice. It keeps tripping Tobi!"

Obito 'accidently' pulled Deidara's hat off.

"Oh no Senpai! Your hair's a mess!"

The blond's eyes widened as he quickly got up and ran back inside to fix his hair in the restroom.

Obito smirked smugly under his mask.

 _What a girl._

Meanwhile

Kakuzu walked around wondering why anyone would fall for such a scam of a holiday. It's all a bunch of buy this and buy that so that stores can make a profit.

"Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas!"

Kakuzu glanced over. To his right was a man dressed as Santa Clause. He was about to keep walking when a lady came to the Santa imposter and placed money in the basket next to him.

Kakuzu strode over to the man.

"Ho Ho Ho!"

"That money, why did she just give it to you?!"

"It's charity money. Are you going to donate or what?"

An idea hit Kakuzu. Grabbing the hat off the Santa imposter he ran off.

The Santa tried to chase him but fortunately the layer of fat around his waist wasn't part of the costume.

After running through the entire store about three time over, Kakuzu finally spotted his albino partner.

"Hidan!"

"Kakuzu?"

Kakuzu put on the best smile he could. It would have scared even the best of the Anbu.

"Why are you looking at me like that you creepy old shit?"

"Hidan my lovely-" He turned and barfed after saying the word, "Partner!"

"Did you get high without me?"

Kakuzu pulled the Santa hat over Hidan's head. With one swift move unzipped the jacket to expose his partner's chest fully.

"10 dollars to sit on Santa's lap and tell him what you want for Christmas!"

Before Hidan could argue a swarm of teenage girls were surrounding him.

Kakuzu chuckled. A girl handed him a $10 bill and jumped on his partner's lap.

"Can I kiss you!?"

"Fuck off!"

"Of course you can!" Kakuzu exclaimed, "For 20 dollars!"

The girl handed him 40 dollars.

"I'll take two kisses!"

Kakuzu grabbed the money and laughed. Who knew Christmas could be thus fun?

* * *

Itachi sulked around the store. He remembered Christmas with Sasuke.

Oh Sasuke… Did his little brother miss him?

As he walked around he saw Deidara run past him, his hands over his head.

Itachi shrugged. He was about to go over and sulk in that corner he remembered passing when he saw it occupied by his shark-man partner.

"Kisame… Why are you sulking?"

Could it be that his partner was also lonely on this cold December day?

"It's because of my blue skin"

"…"

"Look at that!" Kisame pointed to a crowd of girls shoving each other to try and sit on Hidan's lap and kiss him. Said man looked around desperately not able to push off every girl that that jumped on him.

"…"

Then he saw Kakuzu laughing drunkenly as he went around the crowd collecting money. That made more sense.

"Even the guys want him!" Kisame sulked some more

Itachi frowned and looked back. His eyes widened and his jaw dropped when he saw just who managed his way on Hidan's lap.

"Kakuzu you bastard!"

Hidan was about to push the next girl off him when he realized it wasn't a girl.

"Santa! All I want for Christmas is to be able to kill my brother!"

Hidan stared… Why the hell was Itachi on his lap? He looked younger too…

"Itachi?"

"Yes! I knew you'd know him! You really are Santa!" Sasuke hugged him and ran back to two guys and a red head girl glaring at Hidan.

"The fuck?"

"FIRE STYLE! FIREBALL JUTSU!"

The girls dispatched screaming.

Kakuzu cried out in despair as all his hard earned cash burst into flames.

"YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT!"

Kakuzu sent his thread arm at Itachi who easily dodged.

"You get that Uchiha bastard!" Deidara popped up beside Hidan.

"The fuck are you supposed to be? A cheerleader?"

"Shut up!"

Obito entered the store and watched as his comrades attempted to destroy each other.

 _'Tis the season to be jolly._

Kakuzu's arm hit Kisame instead.

"OH IT'S ON!"

"Hidan!" Kakuzu called. Even he knew he couldn't face two Akatsuki members himself.

"That's what you get you shitty old money fucking heathen!"

Deidara jumped up clay in hand. He threw some birds at Itachi.

"Katsu!"

Itachi appeared behind the bomber unscratched.

Ignoring the blond Itachi turned to HIdan glowering.

"The fuck are you mad at me for!?"

"Don't ignore me, hm! Damn Uchiha!"

Deidara's hands chewed on some more clay.

Itachi side stepped.

"Katsu!"

The explosion hit both Kakuzu and Kisame.

"Oops, hm!"

The two glared at him.

(Un)Fortunately before Kakuzu or Kisame could attack the blond, Konan stepped in and pulled the older Shinobi by the ear.

"Did all of you turn into five year olds!?"

The fighting stopped.

"He started it" Itachi pointed at Hidan.

"Did not!"

"Did too"

"Did. Not!"

"Did. Too"

"Actually it looked like Kakuzu's fault" Sasori walked up to the group with Zetsu carrying a pine tree.

"Sasori my man, I forgot you were even here!"

"Brat"

At once everyone started arguing again.

Obito sighed still watching from a distance. The sooner he put an end to this, the sooner he could go home.

So Tobi ran up to the group flailing his arms.

"Guess whattttt!"

Everyone stopped momentarily

"There was this big battle between Elsa and the Abominable Snowman, but then Tobi came in riding Rudolph the red haired reindeer. Tobi saved the day and then Olaf came and-"

"For once in you'r life, could you shut up?!" Hidan snapped.

"You're so annoying Tobi. Let's go home, hm!"

Konan gave him a sympathetic look.

 _As if I care._

* * *

The next morning

Obito woke to the sound of arguing.

Deidara and Kisame from the sound of it.

Obito sighed.

 _Might as well get up now._

For once he was too tired to pull off a Tobi-entrance and decided to just walk in the room like any normal person.

The living room was decorated and a tree was set up in the corner. Zetsu stood beside it flirting.

" **So do you like bad boys?** "

" _Or do you prefer a gentleman?_ "

Obito walked to the window passing Pein and Konan who were kissing under a mistletoe.

The snow was falling.

 _Merry Christmas to me._

"Tobi!" Konan came over to him.

"I found something under the tree from Santa!"

Obito took the wrapped item and neatly took the wrapping off.

It was a snow globe with a snowman in it. Obito shook it and watched as the snow swirled around.

Obito remembered a girl and a boy building a snow man together, laughing and playing in the snow.

"Hey Tobi!" Kisame called, "We're settling things through a snowball fight, me and Itachi need another person, since it'd be unfair for Deidara, Hidan, and Kakuzu to fight us three-two!"

Obito looked back down at the snow globe. The snow finally settled back down at the bottom.

 _She loved snow ball fights._

"Tobi, hm?"

Obito put the snow globe down.

"Hahaha! Merry Christmas Senpai!"

Obito ran and trapped his Senpai in a death hug.

"Get off me Tobi!"

"Tobi isn't going to go easy on you!"

"Yeah whatever, let's go hm!"

 _Perhaps Christmas wasn't so bad. After all, now he had a family to spend it with._

For the first time in a long time Obito felt himself genially smile.


	5. Truth or Dare?

Author's note: Don't expect another update for January since I'll be really busy.

* * *

Chapter five: Truth or Dare?

Hidan lay on the couch staring up at the ceiling.

"I'm bored"

"You think I care, hm?" Deidara asked sitting against the wall.

"We should play a game"

"Do I look like Tobi?"

"Truth or dare?"

"I'm not playing a stupid game like truth or dare!"

"What? Don't tell me your too much of a pansy to play?"

"I AM NOT!"

"Prove it"

"Fine! Truth!"

"Truth? The fuck? No truths!"

"You should of said that before, hm!" Deidara stuck three tongues at him.

"You little bastard! You only get to choose truth once then, this is yours"

"Whatever, ask a question, hm"

"Why do you keep your hair long like a fucking Rapunzel?"

"My hair is nothing like Rapunzel's! My hair is the envy of every girl not the other way around, hm!"

"The hell? Answer the damn question!"

"My hair is long and shiny because... back in my home village they didn't have a barber, hm"

"WHY CHOOSE TRUTH IF YOU'RE GONNA LIE?"

"Fine. It's because secretly I like the attention, hm"

"Seriously? Boring"

"Truth or dare hm?"

"Dare"

"I dare you to... ask Tobi for a hug!"

"Hell no!"

"What's wrong Hidan? You wanted to play, don't be a pansy hm"

"I'm not a little brat who falls for an obvious taunt like that"

"If you back down your a chicken, hm"

"Say what you want, as if I give a fuck!"

"How about a little wager?

"Wager?"

"First one to back down has to be the other guy's slave for an entire week! Hm"

Hidan smirked, "So where's Tobi?"

* * *

Deidara and Hidan stood outside Tobi's room.

"What are you waiting for, hm?"

"Shut up!"

Deidara opened the door and pushed Hidan in.

"Oh Tobi! Hidan wants to ask you something"

"Deidara-senpai! What is it Hidan-san?"

Hidan mumbled incoherently.

"What was that Hidan-san?"

"Fuck. I said would you give me a fucking hug"

"You want a hug?! OF COURSE TOBI WILL HUG YOU!"

Tobi tackled the albino down and wrapped him in a suffocating hug.

"TOBI IS SO HAPPY!"

"Tobi you idiot..." Hidan chocked, "...Can't... Breath"

"Oh sorry Hidan-san"

Tobi lessened his grip but still had his arms around him.

"This means we're best friends forever!"

"HELL NO!"

Hidan pushed Tobi off him.

Deidara was on the floor laughing, tears streaming from his eyes.

"Let's go!" Hidan grabbed Deidara's arm and dragged him out the room.

"Bye Deidara-senpai! Bye BFF!"

* * *

"Dare or dare?"

"Or"

"Dare it is! I dare you to make Pein blush!"

"What?"

"Deaf? Make Pein blush, or get ready to be my bitch for a week"

"No fair that's suicide! If Pein doesn't kill me Konan will!"

"You have ten minutes starting now!"

* * *

Deidara knocked on the door to Pein's office

"Come in"

Slowly the blond opened the door.

"What is it Deidara?"

"..."

Pein looked at him with annoyance.

"Well?!"

"I can't stop thinking about you, hm"

"Pardon?"

Deidara took the elastic out of his hair letting it flow loose.

"Deidara?"

"Ssshh"

Deidara walked slowly to Pein.

"I know the way you look at me when you think I'm not looking, hm"

"I never-" Deidara sat on his lap.

Leaning in he whispered in Pein's ear, "If you want me I'm all yours"

"Deidara I never... I would never betray Konan like that!" Pein sputtered.

Leaning back Deidara saw a light pink blush on Pein's cheeks.

 _Success!_

"I uh got to go, hm"

Deidara jumped off Pein's lap and raced out the room.

He found Hidan with a camera in hand.

"You bastard!"

The blond threw some clay at it, "Katsu!"

Hidan laughed, "It was Itachi's anyway"

Inside his office Pein flinched when the door opened. It was only Konan.

"Pein? what's with that look? Do you really like my new hair cut that much?!"

"...It's perfection"

 _Konan must NEVER know what just happened._

"I didn't think you would notice, my Pein may act tough but on the inside he's a real sweetie!"

 _Damn teenagers and their hormones!_

* * *

"Truth or dare?"

"Dare dumb ass"

"Give Kakuzu a massage"

"That's fucking disgusting!"

"A dare's a dare"

"Kakuzu's a creepy old atheist fucktard who's as hideous as a malformed Las Noches monster!

"How poetic, hm"

"Deidara if you dare me to do this I will make my next dare a living Hell for you!"

"How scary, you have to massage his crusty old body for five whole minutes"

"I wil get you back for this you son of a bitch!"

* * *

Hidan entered the room he shared with his partner.

Kakuzu was at his desk counting money. Big surprise there.

Hidan stood behind him shifting his weight from one foot to another.

"Why are you standing behind me like an ugly girl at a dance?" Kakuzu turned and glared.

 _Shit!_

"Well!?"

"Look! A leprechaun is stealing your cash!"

"Where?!"

Kakuzu turned back to his money and Hidan took the chance to leap at his partner.

"Hidan have you gone suicidal?!"

Kakuzu tried to throw him off but he clung to his back.

Wrapping his legs around Kakuzu's torso Hidan started giving the old man a shoulder rub.

 _Fuck this guy is crusty!_

"Hidan what the fuck are you doing!"

"Shut up! You think I want to do this? You are one sick bastard!"

Again Kakuzu tried to pull him off but Hidan kept his legs locked. Kakuzu slammed back first into the wall.

"You old shit!"

"Hidan get off!"

Kakuzu banged Hidan into the wall again to no avail. Hidan cursed.

"Quit doing that!"

"GET OFF!"

With the extra weight on his back Kakuzu lost balance and fell into his desk, knocking all his neatly stacked money onto the ground.

"HIDAN!"

Finally Deidara popped into the room and shouted "TIME" after what felt like hours to Hidan.

Jumping off the old miser Hidan sprinted off to find a shower.

"YOU'RE DEAD!"

Kakuzu chased after the albino but Hidan's will to clean the Kakuzu off was too great and Kakuzu soon lost sight of him.

Kakuzu growled. He would never admit it but Hidan was damn good at giving a massage.

* * *

Three hours later

"Where have you been, hm?"

"Washing the fucking stink of Kakuzu off"

"For three hours?"

"Then I got a cat"

Hidan pulled a kitten from the inside of his cloak.

"A cat?"

"I got him a collar with a Jashin pendant"

"Why, hm?"

"Are you an idiot? He's obviously a follower!"

"No, why did you get a cat?!"

Hidan smirked.

"Dare or fucking dare?"

"...Dare"

"Looks like it's time for you to apologize to Sasori for carving up his puppets"

"I didn't carve up his puppets, hm"

"Meow"

Deidara looked at the little ball of fur. It took a moment for him to make the connection.

"Hidan... that thing did not just use Sasori's puppets as a scratching post"

"Of course not" Hidan smiled innocently, "YOU carved them up to get back at Sasori for saying your Play-Doh isn't art"

"IT'S CLAY AND ART IS AN EXPLOSION!"

"Well Sasori will be back from his mission any minute now. Have fun with this dare, I know I will"

"You bastard! This is going too far, hm!"

Hidan shrugged.

"Speak of the devil here comes Sasori"

The red head walked in, Deidara paled.

"What are you gaping at brat?"

"Sasori my man where are you going?"

"I'm going to work on some REAL art. Leave me alone"

Deidara rushed after the puppet, Hidan strolled along with his arms behind his back.

When Sasori entered their room time froze.

Deidara waited.

And waited.

And waited.

No one moved, no one made a sound.

"Deidara"

"Sasori my man?"

"What happened to my puppets?"

Sasori was way to calm, Deidara knew all Hell was about to break loose.

"...Pay back?"

"What?"

"For calling my explosions artless, hm. I carved up your puppets"

The dare was done Deidara sprinted away before Sasori could react.

Hidan ran after him.

"That's no fucking fun, I wanted to see him kick your ass"

"The dare was to tell him, I did"

"Pinocchio's chasing you"

"Hidan truth or dare?"

"What, already? dare!"

"Next time you see Konan tell her she's gained a ton of weight and looks like a hippo!"

"The hell?!"

At that moment they turned the corner and ran into the said bluette.

"Where's the fire?" She asked.

"Fuck my luck!"

Deidara kept on running, a red blur right behind him

"What's going on Hidan?"

"Well you see... Konan has Pein told you?"

"Told me what?"

"I shouldn't..."

"Tell me Hidan"

"You've gained weight like a hippo, its fucking disgusting"

Konan started crying, "I didn't think it was that noticeable!"

Hidan stood there awkwardly.

Suddenly her tears turned to rage and she tackled him.

"Get the fuck off!"

"YOU NEVER SAY THAT TO A GIRL YOU DICK!"

She began bitch slapping him.

"It's not my fucking fault you can't lay off the donuts!"

"YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE A GIRL AND WATCH AS GUYS PIG OUT!"

"WELL TOO FUCKING BAD!"

He tried pushing her off ad failed.

"You really did gain weight!"

She screamed and tried scratching him.

Hidan's kitten jumped out of his cloak and onto her face.

"YOU GO CAT! THAT IS HOW YOU SCRATCH AND SHOW THE PATH OF JASHIN!"

All the commotion attracted the rest of the Akatsuki, minus Deidara and Sasori.

"YOU GO BFF!"

"My money's on the cat" Kisame decided.

"I'll take that bet!" Kakuzu declared

"Why is all hell breaking loose?" The sound of their leader's voice caught everyone's attention. Even the kitty settled down.

"HE CALLED ME FAT!"

"Hidan?"

"...Me and Deidara played truth or dare"

Pein stared at him for a moment and then his cheeks flared pink.

"WHY IS HE BLUSHING?!" Konan screamed.

"Hidan get to my office right now! Where's Deidara?!"

"Running, if not poisoned"

Pein face palmed.

* * *

The entire Akatsuki gathered in the living room.

"What do you two have to say for yourselves?"

"Hidan started it, hm"

"Deidara's a dumb blond!"

Pein glared at them.

"I misheard both of you I'm sure"

"We're sorry we played truth or dare, hm"

"What he said"

"APOLOGY NOT ACCEPTED" Konan screamed and ran off.

"I will NEVER forgive either of you" Sasori hissed.

Kakuzu glared and stalked off.

"Next time fill me in" Kisame smirked.

Pein glowered at him.

"Just kidding"

When the almighty leader left, the rest soon followed.

It was only Hidan and Deidara left.

"Hey Deidara, would you rather..."


	6. Good Morning, it's Time to Clean!

Chapter 6: Good Morning, it's Time to Clean!

Pein woke up to the sun shining in his eyes.

He headed to the hall's washroom and spashed some cold water on his face.

Fully awake he noticed mud all over the floor, walls, and tub.

"Ew"

* * *

Pein went downstairs for some breakfast.

The sink was full of dirty dishes. Shrugging he pulled his mug out and decided to stick with coffee.

He was about to take a sip when he noticed a long piece of blond hair floating in the coffee.

"Ew"

* * *

Pein headed to the living room… and tripped.

On the floor were things that ranged from broken furniture to moldy food.

With a groan he peeled off what could have been a piece of pizza from his cloak.

Looking around he found the trash can was full. Going into the next room the trash can was semi full but kicked over so the rest of its content lay on the floor.

Dropping the pizza he marched to his office and sat heavily in his chair… and something else…

Standing he looked down and noticed his chair was used as a cat's litter box…

"Ew ew ew!"

* * *

Pein glared at the members in front of him.

"Why did you call us so early in the morning hm!"

"Deidara its 11:00 AM" Sasori pointed out

"EXACTLY!"

"For Jashin's sake! Shut up Sleeping Beauty!"

"Hidan-san thinks Senpai's beautiful?"

"Hell no!"

"But Hidan-san called him beauty!"

"Tobi lets play hide and never come back. You hide and I'll count"

"But Hidan-san doesn't know how to count"

"Son of a-"

"THAT'S ENOUGH!"

Everyone turned to Pein.

"I've called you all out here because you are all dirty slobs who couldn't clean up after themselves if the apocalypse were coming 'cause you're all insufficient idiots who have the manners of pigs!"

They stared at him blankly.

"As your leader I will now assign each of you chores that you will do or you will die!"

They all turned to Konan expectantly.

"I'm not doing your chores just because I'm a woman!"

Pein cleared his throat.

"Itachi, you sweep the floors. Kisame you wash the dishes. Kakuzu clean the washrooms. Hidan throw away whatever's scattered on the floor. Deidara take care of the trash. Sasori do something about the cat. Zetsu freshen the place up. Tobi be a good boy"

Tobi raised his hand.

"If Tobi is a good boy will he get allowance?"

"Of course!" Konan said, "But only you Tobi"

"Now GO! And they all left at Pein's order.

"How about the two of us have fun at the spa?" Konan asked.

"I could use that"

* * *

Tobi skipped around the house deciding he should help his friends.

"Kisame Kisame!"

"What's up?"

"Tobi wants to help Kisame-san with the dishes!"

Kisame laughed.

"Watch and learn kid, I'm a pro at dish-washing!"

Making some hand gestures Kisame aimed at the dishes in the sink.

"Water-style Jutsu!"

Water hit the plates with great force. At once they were cleaned and shattered, glass flying everywhere.

"WOW Kisame-san! Tobi SURE learned a lot!"

"Are you being sarcastic?"

Tobi giggled and skipped away.

"Nah. Couldn't be"

* * *

"Senpai found you!"

"Save me now hm"

"You're so funny Senpai!"

"Leave me alone Tobi, hm"

"What's Senpai doing?"

"Go. Away"

"Senpai looks like he's glaring at Itachi-san!"

"Why would I waste time staring at the Uchiha!?"

"Itachi-san is doing such a good job! YOU GO ITACHI-SAN!"

Itachi glanced over his shoulder and continued sweeping.

"Hey Senpai the way Itachi sweeps is very artistic right?"

"There's nothing artistic about it, hm!"

"I think Senpai's jealous"

"Me jealous of that nerd!?"

"How does sweeping make him a nerd?"

"Leave me alone Tobi!"

"But Tobi wants to help Senpai"

Deidara looked as though he was going to scream something at Tobi but stopped and smiled instead.

"Sure Tobi, hm!"

Picking up a full trash can he dumped it all on Tobi.

"Have fun, hm"

Deidara walked out the room.

"Asshole"

* * *

Tobi headed to the washroom and crossed paths with Sasori.

"What happened to you?" He asked.

"Senpai"

"Ah"

"What is Sasori-san doing?"

"The leader told me to do something with Hidan's cat. It's as bad as Hidan is, it used my puppets as a scratching post"

"You're not gonna hurt it are you?"

"I hate cats"

"Even Hello Kitty?"

"Especially Hello Kitty"

"But Hidan-san will kill you! He says that cat is a fellow Jashin follower!"

"If Hidan took care of it in the first place this wouldn't be an issue"

"Hidan-san says the cat is smart so Tobi thinks Sasori-san won't be able to catch it!"

"Hidan thinks whatever is smarter than him is smart. Tell me if you find it"

Tobi crossed his fingers behind his back.

"Sure thing Sasori-san"

* * *

Tobi found Kakuzu in the washroom.

"Tobi needs to clean himself up"

"Find a different washroom"

"But Tobi smells like trash!"

"I'm so sorry. Leave"

"Please"

"No"

"I said please"

"Fine. you can use this washroom for a fee"

"But Tobi's broke because Kakuzu-san keeps charging him!"

"You're getting allowance from Konan for doing nothing. It so happens I'm charging you whatever the amount she gives you"

"But you're not doing anything either"

"I'm planning how to clean this washroom up using as little cleaning supplies as possible. Don't you know supplies cost money?!"

"No, Tobi didn't realize that. Thanks for the insight Kakuzu-san"

Kakuzu glared at him. Tobi couldn't be sarcastic, this was Tobi he was talking about.

Kakuzu decided to let it pass.

"Hurry up"

"Sure thing!"

* * *

Tobi walked around the hall and spotted a little cat.

"You can't just explode the trash!"

That sounded like Sasori!

"What's wrong, hm. The trash is gone AND I was way more artistic than Uchiha, hm"

The voices were getting closer. Tobi scooped up the cat and hid it in his cloak.

"Explosions aren't art, brat"

Sasori was right in front of him.

"Sasori! Tobi hasn't seen the cat and Tobi wouldn't lie cause Tobi's a good boy!"

"Okay"

Tobi laughed and skipped past them, making sure to shove Deidara as he went by.

Running around the base he found Hidan sleeping in his room.

"HIDAN-SAN"

"There better be a good fucking reason you woke me up"

"Tobi found Mr. Kitty! Tobi thinks Sasori wants to eat him!"

"What!?"

"Kidding~ Hey Hidan-san how did you finish cleaning so quickly?"

"I stuffed everything in Deidara's closet"

"The moldy food too?"

"Are you retarded? Of course!"

"Tobi put the cat on the bed.

"Bye Bye!"

* * *

Tobi went upstairs.

A second later was on the floor chocking.

 _"Tobi"_

 **"What do you think of the smell"**

 _"We used a case worth of Febreeze but we couldn't decide on one smell so we used them all"_

"Too much!"

Tobi ran downstairs and bumped right into Konan.

"You're back!"

"Tobi I bet you were a good boy!"

She handed him a $100 bill.

"The place is looking good" Pein said walking in, "EVERYONE REPORT IN!"

The members gathered.

"Kisame did you wash the dishes?"

"Better I got new ones!"

One of Kakuzu's hearts stopped.

"Itachi!"

"I swept the place up"

"Kakuzu?"

"Done at minimum cost"

"Hidan"

"Uh-huh"

Pein raised his eyebrows.

"Really?"

"Tobi can confirm this!" Tobi announced.

Pein walked up to Hidan and patted him on the shoulder.

"I'm so proud of you! I admit I didn't think you could do it"

Pein cleared his throat.

"Deidara, is the trash taken out?"

"Not a trace left, hm"

"Sasori have you done something about that cat"

"No need to worry. It will now use Tobi's sandbox as a litter box"

"And Zetsu"

 _"The place smells fabulous!"_

"Take the rest of the day off then"

* * *

Deidara went to his room and slipped on something. Looking down he found it was a half-eaten piece of cake.

"Wha-?"

Looking around he didn't see anything out of the ordinary.

Getting up he opened the closet- and things that ranged from broken furniture to moldy food rained on him.

Somewhere in the house Tobi was thinking ' _That's Karma bitch!'_


	7. Of Fish and Closets

It's been about four months since I updated last, sorry guys. I'm still deciding whether I should end the story here or add some more chapters. Enjoy in the mean time~

* * *

Chapter Seven: Of Fish and Closets

Itachi had always been an early riser, one of the things he loved most was sunrise. Not today though, today the sky was a dark grey threatening to rain at any moment.

Itachi sighed.

Sunrise was the best part of his day, but once the sun was up he would have to spend the next 24 hours waiting for another. Not today, he wouldn't be able to see the sun rise which meant he would go 48 hours without seeing Mr. Sunshine.

"Hey there pretty girl"

Itachi turned to see Kisame talking to his pet goldfish.

"Damn Ariel, how about the two of us do a little something?"

Itachi stared while his shark partner flirted with the fish. Kisame always claimed that he could speak fish. Itachi had his doubts.

"That sounds great!"

He didn't have the heart to tell Kisame that while he was out on a mission Itachi forgot to feed 'Ariel' and she died. The 'Ariel' Kisame was flirting with was a replacement Itachi found off eBay.

"Hey Itachi!"

Itachi nodded in acknowledgement.

"Could you get a wash towel from the closet down the hall? Ariel's tank needs a little cleaning"

Itachi nodded. He didn't have anything better to do while he waited the next 47 hours and 55 minutes for sunrise.

Walking down the hall he finally finding a closet and walked in. Searching for the towel he didn't notice the door close behind him.

Not finding any he figured Kisame must have meant a different closet.

Itachi turned and grabbed the door knob. He pushed against it.

Nothing.

He tried again.

The door didn't budge.

It was locked.

Itachi looked around, it was a small closet. Shrugging he sat down. Not like he had plans anyway.

* * *

Deidara lay on his bed molding clay in his hands. Sasori was out on a mission so for once he could create as much explosions in their room as his heart desired.

Making a bird he let it fly around a bit.

"Katsu!"

It exploded in a beautiful red.

Deidara learned that if he added food dye to his art he could have it explode in any colour he liked.

Deidara made a few more explosions, a bird, a wasp, another bird, a rubik's cube, a bird...

He was making a lot of birds to explode at once when Tobi appeared at his door.

"Go away, hm"

"But Senpaiii you don't even know what Tobi wants!"

"I. Don't. Care"

"Tobi had a dream Senpai was a mushroom and that mean Pikachu wanted to steal Mushroom-Senpai but Tobi came along and turned Pikachu into an egg, then Tobi made scrambled eggs but he accidentally used Mushroom-Senpai as an ingredient and ate him"

Tobi started sobbing.

"I'M SO SORRY SENPAIII!"

The man-child rushed at Deidara to engulf him in a hug.

"KATSU!"

All the birds exploded, dust filled the air, it was now or never for Deidara to escape.

He ran down the hall as fast as he could.

"SENPAI WAIT FOR MEEEE!"

Seeing a door to his right Deidara opened it an slammed it shut right after him. He could hear Tobi run by, calling for 'his Senpai'.

"Phew, hm"

He tried the door knob. It wouldn't open.

"It's locked from the outside"

Deidara jumped and turned when he heard his nemesis' voice.

"Uchiha!"

"We're locked in here until someone comes around"

"No,no,no,no,no,no,no,no,no,no,no!"

Deidara tried the door again. Nothing.

"ANYONE BUT UCHIHA!"

He reached for his clay pouch and realized he left it in his room.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

* * *

Hidan avoided Kakuzu's arm as he tried to punch him.

In retaliation Hidan swung his scythe but Kakuzu jumped out of the way.

Another punch, dodge, retaliate, punch dodge retaliate, pun- kick! Hidan wasn't expecting that!

"What kind of idiot would make a pattern of his attacks?" Kakuzu asked him as if Hidan was stupid. Which he wasn't, obviously, people around him just used their brains better.

"SHUT UP!"

A punch to his face and Hidan fell on his ass.

"FUCK!"

"Next time you try to perform your disgusting ritual in here I'll burn your body and scatter your ashes across the seas"

"YOU BASTARD ONE OF THESE DAYS I'M GONNA SACRIFICE YOU TO JASHAN!"

Kakuzu ignored him. Typical.

Whatever. Hidan stormed out of the kitchen, Scythe in hand and prepared to find a new area for his worship.

Finally he settled on a room he didn't remember entering before and opened the door.

He stepped in and almost walked into Deidara.

"The Fuck!"

Looking over he saw Itachi being emo in the corner.

"The fuck? We're you two..." He made a gesture with his hands.

"NO, HM! THAT'S DISGUSTING! WE'VE BEEN TRAPPED IN THIS CLOSET FOR THE PAST TWO HOURS CAUSE IT ONLY UNLOCKS FROM THE OUTSIDE!"

"Seriously?"

Hidan closed the door behind him to see if the blond was right.

"NOOOOOOO! WHY?! WHY WOULD YOU?! HM!"

"It's fucking locked" Hidan said irritated.

He swung his scythe at the door. The steel door. The only steel door in the building.

Shrugging Hidan swung again, and again, and again, and again...

* * *

"Would you rather fuck Konan or fuck her over?'

"Isn't that the same thing hm?"

"What are you 12? Fucking someone and fucking them over are completely different, get your fucking fucks right for fucks sake!"

"Would you rather cross dress for a day or be stuck in this closet with Tobi and Kakuzu hm?"

"I can't wear a cross you idiot, that would go against Jashan!"

"That's not what I meant hm"

"Fuck this game is stupid! Uchiha entertain us!"

"I spy with my sharingan eye... something black"

"Is it darkness hm?"

"No"

"Is it your damned soul?"

"No"

"Is it my cloak, hm?"

"No"

"Is it the spider in Repunzel's hair"

"There is no spider in my hair hm!"

"Yes"

Deidara let out a very not girly (oh it so was) scream.

"GET IT OUT!"

"I was joking Deidara. I actually spied the hair of my bangs"

"UCHIHA TOLD A JOKE?!"

"The world is ending hm!"

"I AM NOT ABOUT TO SPEND THE REST OF THE WORLD IN A CLOSET!"

"Hidan, hm. I never thought I would say this, but if the world IS ending you should know... I was the one who put used kitty litter in Pein's bed"

"You bastard! Do you know how much trouble I got in for that?! I'm going to kill you!"

Hidan grabbed his scythe.

Deidara scooted as close to Itachi as he could.

Someone farted loudly.

"..."

"..."

"..."

"DA FUCK DID THAT?!"

"IT STINKS HM!"

"YOU SMELT IT YOU DEALT IT"

Hidan swung his scythe back, just as he was about to bring it down on both members a voice came from behind him.

"Oops that was Tobi!"

This time they all screamed a very not girly (oh it so was except for Itachi's) scream.

"TOBI WHEN THE FUCK DID YOU GET IN HERE!?"

"TOBI DOES'NT KNOW!"

"Kill me now, hm"

"Gladly" Hidan tried swinging his scythe but when he screamed, or gave a manly shout as he likes to think of it, he accidentally lodged it into the steel door and it was stuck.

"Fuck"

* * *

"...AND THAT'S HOW TOBI SAVED HIS LEFT SHOE!"

Hidan was banging his head against the wall, Deidara was singing a song about killing himself, and Itachi was asleep.

"How long have we been in here?" Hidan couldn't bring himself to swear. This was Hell. This was misery. It was because he failed to perform his ritual in the kitchen earlier.

"Years Hidan, your hair turned white hm"

"My hair was always white"

"Ssh"

"Deidara I used to think you dyed your hair blond but now I know you're a natural"

"Thank you hm"

"TOBI WOULD NOW LIKE TO SHOW YOU A MAGIC TRICK!"

"Is it getting us the fuck out of here?"

"Better! Pull my finger!"

Everyone groaned.

* * *

"And that's how me and Kakuzu got kicked out of Vegas"

"You think we'll ever see our partners again hm?"

"Doubtful. If the world ended it is unlikely they survived" Itachi told the blond.

"But Sasori's a puppet!"

"And Kakuzu's a fucking Mummy"

"Tobi loves his mommy!"

"I said mother fucking Mummy not mommy!"

"Tobi doesn't think Kakuzu looks like mommy"

"Just. Shut. Up"

"Did I ever tell you about the time me and Sasori...

* * *

It turns out Deidara is ticklish.

It was an accident, Tobi was making wide hand gestures as he talked and brushed Deidara stomach. The blond let out a giggle and the three surrounding him shared a look.

Tobi jumped on Deidara while Itachi pinned his arms to the floor. Hidan tickled the poor blond to no mercy, and Deidara was squirming, laughing, and about to die from suffocation.

That was how Kakuzu found them when he opened the closet to get a towel to shine his coins.

"Freedom!"

Hidan lunged out of the closet like a wild animal. Deidara crawled out while Tobi skipped away. Last Itachi got up with his usual stoic face as though the past few hours had never happened.

"What?" Kakuzu was left standing there and decided he didn't want to know.

* * *

There was only 10 more hours until sunrise, most Itachi would spend sleeping.

When he entered his room he found Kisame next to his fish tank.

"I forgot the towel"

Kisame turned around and started crying.

"...If it was that important you should have found one yourself"

"Ariel cheated on me!"

"..."

"With Tobi's fish, Flounder!"

"... But they've never met"

"That's the worst part!"

"How scandalous"

Itachi went to bed ignoring his shark-partner's crying.

The next day he woke up and the sun was shining.

Then Kisame came in with a lobster.

"Hey Itachi meet Sebastian! Could you get me a tank to put him in? It should be in that closet I told you about yeterday"

The closet.

Itachi suddenly laughed like a madman.

Just as suddenly he stopped and answered,

"Sure"

Itachi did better than a tank. He got a pot with fresh tap water and with his fireball Jutsu they had lobster for dinner with a side of fish.


	8. Akatsuki Finale

Author's note: This is the final chapter, thanks to everyone who read and supported the story. Summer vacations starts in a few days so I hope everyone has a sweet vacation :)

* * *

Chapter Eight: Akatsuki Finale

Pein lay still under the bed as things were thrown across the room.

"Pein!" She called "Come out come out wherever you are!"

Suddenly she jumped on the bed above him and it was split open, the blade nearly hitting him.

"I AM BEAUTIFUL!" She screamed.

"Of course. The most beautiful woman in the world. Now why don't you put that thing down?"

She laughed hard. Pein took his chance to lunge away. Running into the hallway he turned at a corner and slammed himself shut in the closest room.

"Pervert!"

He turned just in time for an old deaf lady to slap him.

Outside the room he heard her yell nearby,

"You can run but you can't hide"

He clutched his bleeding shoulder and prayed his plan would work. The fate of the Akatsuki depended on it.

The wall in next to him was blown back, he took a step back as she took a step in.

"Found you~"

* * *

6 hours earlier.

* * *

The sun was shining and the sound of fighting could be heard throughout the Akatsuki hideout. Just another day in the lives of the infamous group. Almost…

Pein stared at the empty kettle in front of him. No one finished off his coffee and got away!

He was ready to blame Hidan or Deidara -whoever he saw first- when Tobi entered. In his hand was a cup filled with the last of the coffee.

"You!"

"Pein" Tobi was using his real voice. Pein did not care.

"You will run down to the store and get me some coffee or I will turn this organization against you in a heartbeat"

"Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed today"

"Do I look like I'm joking!"

Before the masked man could answer Konan entered the room holding two tickets and smiling.

"Happy one year anniversary" She announced presenting him with the gift.

Shit.

"Pein? You didn't forget did you?"

Shit shit shit shit shit!

"Of course not!"

He took the tickets from her and got a closer look. They were tickets to one of the fanciest vacation resorts.

"I have our bags packed ready to go" She announced.

He faked a smile.

"That's great Konan! Although you'll have to wait for your gift. It's a surprise"

She grabbed his hand and pulled him out of the kitchen.

"Let's go already!"

Pein managed to turn back in time just as Tobi was about to leave in the opposite direction.

"Get the coffee!"

Tobi rolled his eye behind his mask. Pein left him with a bunch of idiots so he could have fun with Konan. Some people were just inconsiderate!

As he saw the dumb blond he put his act on and screamed "DEIDARA-SENPAIIIII!" at the top of his lungs.

Deidara turned and glared. Without a word he grabbed Tobi's coffee and smashed the cup in his face.

"Ouch!" He cried when hot coffee spilled over his chest.

"Oops. Sorry Tobi"

Deidara smirked and walked away.

"Smile while you can" Tobi growled lowly.

Deidara paused.

"Did you say something hm?"

"That was so meeeaaaannnn Senpai!"

"Whatever"

Tobi glared. Nearby he could hear Hidan and Kakuzu fighting. Deciding to avoid further misfortune he went to his room to change so he could head off to the store. Not because Pein ordered him, only because he was worried he might catch these idiots stupidity if he stayed.

Taking his cloak off he noticed a light burn where the coffee splashed. Oh he was so getting that moody brat back.

* * *

It wasn't until his trip to the store that he got the perfect revenge plan. Not only for Deidara but Pein too. Smiling he gathered what he needed and head to the cashier.

By the time he got back things had settled between Hidan and Kakuzu but now Deidara and Sasori were arguing over who's art was better.

"Hey guys!"

They ignored him.

"Guys look! Coffee!"

The members stopped what they were doing and ones who hadn't been there before like Itachi, Kiame, and Zetsu showed.

"Ok guys I DON'T have coffee but I have something MUCH better!" He giggled and held a flier in the air, "Vacation time!"

"Give me that!" Kakuzu grabbed the flier out of his hands and one of his hearts stopped as he scanned it.

"THIS IS AN EXPENSIVE RESORT!"

"Relax Kakuzu-san, there's a discount for families and Pein-sama's paying from his personal account! It won't affect the Akatsuki budget at all haha!"

"I'm not sure I would ever put Akatsuki and family in the same sentence" Itachi voiced.

"Don't be a bunch of fucking girl scouts. If it's free then lets go, get fucked, and kill anyone who gets in the way"

"I don't think we're allowed to bring weapons Hidan-san"

"What type of vacation doesn't include weapons?"

"The normal kinds hm"

"Your 'art' won't be admitted either Senpai"

"Who's for not going?" Kisame asked.

The majority excluding Tobi and Zetsu raised their hands.

" **Might I remind you this is Pein's order**?" The man-plant inquired.

"Then it's settled hahaha! We're going to have a family vacation!"

"Kill me now hm"

* * *

"Hello, how can I help you?"

"I'd like a room for eight at half price. Sign that under Kakuzu. Our leader Pein is paying, he's already checked in"

The secretary stared at the cult in front of her. All she wanted was an easy job to help pay her tuition. First day on the job and she was already regretting not taking the job offer at McDonalds.

"I'm sorry sir. There are no half price deals for large groups"

Mr. Kakuzu presented her with the flyer which advertised half-price for families.

"I'm sorry sir. This is for families only. Parents and children under 18"

They stared at her as if she had said something beyond ridiculous. Mr. Kakuzu waved a hand at the group which already got back to arguing and swearing amongst each other.

"These are my children. The silver haired idiot, red eyed emo and masked man are triplets and 17. The blonde is my daughter, she's 16. The shark is adopted, he's also 17. The plant thing is a pet, and the puppet's a puppet. Is there going to be a problem?"

The secretary got a glimpse of a scythe being swung by one of member at another.

"No!"

"Good. I'm already tempted to sue your resort for family discrimination"

"No problem at all! I'll get you a room for half price!"

"Good"

The secretary glanced nervously behind the group as potential customers and guests ran out the building upon seeing the cult.

"Um… There are no weapons allowed in the resort" She whispered to Mr. Kakuzu and motioned towards the scythe.

The silver haired idiot heard her and stormed to the desk.

"Are you discriminating against my religion? This scythe is a religious item needed for my rituals and if you don't like that then he's gonna sue your ass for religious discrimination"

The scythe was inches from her throat.

"No there's been a big misunderstanding!"

"Then mind your own fucking business!"

"One room for the night, here's your key, enjoy your stay!"

The group stormed off. A moment later her manager appeared to see how she's doing on her first day.

"I quit!"

She threw off her uniform and ran crying to the nearest McDonald.

* * *

Pein glanced nervously at Konan.

"What do you think? I bought it just for this day" Konan beamed looking down at her new bikini.

How could he forget their anniversary?

"Pein? You didn't forget what day it is?"

"No no no Konan! I told you your gift is a surprise for later!"

If he could get a moment alone to find something.

"So what's wrong? Do I look fat in this?"

"Yes that's it! I mean no! No Konana that's not it!"

"So you think I'm fat?!"

"No!"

"You just said it!"

"No!"

"Liar!"

"No that's not what I meant!"

"Then what did you mean?"

At that moment he saw the Akatsuki storming into the resort.

"The Akatsuki"

"Don't change the subject!"

"Behind you!"

But as he spoke they entered the building.

Konan slapped him.

"My surprise better be good!"

And Pein prayed to himself, Jashin and whatever else was out there that it would be.

* * *

"We're not seriously sharing a room hm!"

"Dibs on the bed!" Hidan called.

"Shut up all of you!" Kakuzu yelled.

"This will be like a sleepover! Tobi's SO happy he could die!"

"I could help you with that hm"

Zetsu glared at Kakuzu.

" **What do you mean pet?** "

"You want me to tell her you got your looks from your mother?"

" _We could have been adopted like Kisame_ "

"Stop being such a baby"

"I don't know about you guys but I'm going swimming" Kisame told them.

"I'm going to hustle at the casino" Kakuzu declared.

"I'm going to find a bar" Hidan decided.

" **We'll find some snacks on the beach** "

"Itachi-san why don't you get us some coffee?" Tobi asked.

"Fine"

"And anywhere away from you two is better than here" Sasori said leaving Deidara and Tobi alone in the room.

Tobi knew this was the perfect time to get back at Deidara!

Tobi pulled out the pack of gum he'd bought at the store and chewed all the pieces at once. When he was able to blow huge bubbles he sneaked behind the blond and 'accidently' tripped as he had one blown.

* * *

Itachi searched the dining hall for a coffee stand. Just as he found one his assassin senses kicked in and he realized he was being watched.

He turned around slowly and to his left in a sushi stand he spotted Orochimaru smiling at him with drool running down his chin.

As casually as Itachi could he made a run for it and found himself on the beach. Surrounded by people he sighed in relief. Not even Orochimaru with his Uchiha senses would be able to locate him in such a big crowd. Ignoring the stares of guests in their bathing suits he headed towards an area shaded by palm trees.

As he leaned back his senses kicked in again. Before he could move two arms came from behind and strangled/hugged him.

"Found you at last" A female voice said as he lost consciousness.

* * *

Hidan sat at the bar, ordered a beer and scanned the competition. For a beach resort there were surprisingly few good looking guys. Already women were looking him up and down while men gave him dirty looks.

"Hey" a pretty pink haired girl sat beside him, "Don't look now but my friends dared me to ask you if you wanted to make out"

"Sure"

As they began to kiss a man stormed over and yelled at him.

"That's my girlfriend you're kissing!"

He pulled the girl away from Hidan and drew his arm back to punch him.

"Fuck man, can you go any slower?"

Grabbing the scythe which was casually placed on the bar Hidan made an offering to Jashan and sacrificed the man.

The girlfriend stared at her boyfriend's corpse.

"That was so hot!"

She sat on his lap but suddenly the bartender came over and pulled the pinkette away.

"Sorry sweety but it is so hard to find another Jashin follower" Showing Hidan her pendant with the Jashan symbol she grabbed his scythe and made an offering of her own.

Dragging the couple's bodies behind the bar she sat on Hidan's lap and offered him a drink.

"Let's go to my room afterwards"

* * *

Kisame was swimming and minding his own business when the little boy screamed.

"SHARK! SHARK! THERE'S A SHARK IN THE WATER!"

Then everyone started screaming and staff came to 'politely' ask him to leave as his presence causes a disturbance.

Of course no one was saying anything of Zetsu, eating people on the beach! No they fear the shark not the plant!

He sighed as people stared at him as if he were a freak. They were the freaks with their normal shades of skin. He ought to tell Kakuzu to sue the place for discrimination against blue people!

Looking around he noticed Itachi being dragged off by a red head woman with glasses. He waved but Itachi ignored him.

Suddenly an arm grabbed his shoulder and he was face to face with Pein.

"Kisame what are you doing here?"

"We're on vacation like you ordered us"

"What? Which idiot told you that? It was Hidan wasn't it?!"

"Tobi"

"And you believed him? Your part of the greatest organization and you get fooled by Tobi of all people"

"Well you were paying…"

"WHAT?!"

"Can we go home now?"

"No I need you to keep Konan busy while I find a present for her! Can you do that for me?"

"Is that an order?"

"Yes"

"Then yes"

"Good"

* * *

"NO! NO NO NO NO NO!" Deidara screamed as he patted his hair and felt the gooey lump of Tobi's gum stuck in it.

"Awe sorry Senpai"

"TOBI YOU BASTARD HM!"

Tobi prepared himself for a physical assault, instead the blond ran into the washroom and locked the door.

"I HATE YOU!" He screamed from the other side of the door.

"Come on Senpai it's not THAT bad"

"THIS IS THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE"

Drama queen much?

"At least it didn't burn you"

Tobi got no reply.

"Let me cut it Senpai"

"NO! GO AWAY!"

"See ya later Senpai"

At long last Tobi's revenge has been fulfilled! So why did feel so bad? Could there be some deep life lesson to be learned here? Probably not!

Humming to himself he decided to see what was taking Itachi so long with his coffee.

Arriving at the dining room he bumped into Orochimaru.

"Have you seen Itachi" The snake man asked.

"He was getting me coffee"

"I stalked him all the way to the coffee stand but then he ran away"

"With my coffee?"

"With his Uchiha body! I must find him"

"Tobi will help you! I must get my coffee back!"

"So it's settled a truce until we find him"

* * *

Kakuzu cursed as he lost his $20 to the 'drunk' hustler. He NEVER loses! No he would get his money back he just needed some cash to play again.

He head to their room but all he heard was Deidara crying in the washroom. Kid was probably pregnant or something. Not his problem.

He could try Sasori? Where was the puppet anyway?

"Hey Deidara where's Sasori?"

"GO AWAY"

"I need money"

"STEAL TOBI'S!"

"Where is he?"

"LEAVE ME ALONE!"

Kakuzu went in search of another money source. He frowned as he saw Pein frantically looking through the gift shop.

He increased his speed in hopes of their leader not seeing him. Devils never pray.

"Kakuzu!"

He groaned.

"Which do you think Konan would prefer?"

Not paying mind to the items Kakuzu looked at the price tags. Both were overpriced!

"Konan hates gift shop souvenirs. She told me" He lied.

"I need something now!"

"Your Pein. Isn't that great enough?"

"I think you might be right! I am Kami!"

"Right. I need $20"

"I only have $17"

"I need that" Kakuzu took the money and went off in search of another $3.

He almost passed the bar when he spotted Hidan.

"Hidan I need $3"

"Sure" His partner slurred.

"No swearing?"

"Who are you?!"

He turned and saw a blood spattered woman glaring at him.

Kakuzu ignored her.

"that's my fiancé you know!" The woman stated.

Kakuzu looked from the drink beside Hidan to the girl.

"You drugged him"

"He's a fellow Jashin follower! We're going to get married whether he wants to or not"

"Since when is marriage part of Jashanism?"

"Since-"

"I don't care. I need $3"

"If he gives you the $3 you won't tell anyone about the drugs? That would be bad for business"

Kakuzu nodded and took the $3. His partner would be fine. After all the girl looked innocent enough.

* * *

Itachi woke up. The first thing he noticed was he was indoors rather than outdoors. The second thing was a redhead girl sitting on him. And the third thing was that his hands were cuffed to the bed.

"You're awake! I'm Karin! I'm the perfect wife for your brother Sasuke"

She pulled up her sleeves and showed him various bite marks.

"ALL of these are by him! I've also taken to collecting his things, like his toothbrush and now you!"

"I can't let you be with my brother Sasuke. You're crazy"

She grabbed a sock and stuffed it in his mouth.

"You're a lot more cute when you don't talk"

Itachi tried to get loose but couldn't. At least the situation couldn't get any worse.

Suddenly the door burst open and Orochimaru appeared.

"Who are you?!"

"Who are you?!"

"This Uchiha is MINE! Get a new hobby!" Karin yelled at Orochimaru.

"I have been stalking him LONG before you were born"

The two leapt at each other and rolled on the ground.

Itachi noticed Tobi lingering by the door and tried to call for help. Tobi waved and skipped away.

* * *

Pein found Konan and Kisame at the bar. As soon as Kisame spotted him he made an excuse to leave.

"You ditched me" Konan had a blush on her cheeks.

"Are you drunk?"

"Noooo!"

Konan stared at him as if he grew three heads.

"Are you seeing another woman?! Is that why you think I'm fat?!"

"Your fat where it counts" It was meant to be a compliment. Konan began to cry.

"First you forgot our anniversary! Now this?!"

"I didn't forget"

"Where's my present?"

"I am Kami. You should be grateful to be my woman. That is gift enough"

Konan continued to cry and suddenly stopped. Following her gaze he saw Hidan's scythe laying on the bar a few meters away with no sign of Hidan.

Before he realized what was happening Konan grabbed the scythe and swung it at him. Pein felt pain as it collided with his shoulder.

"Konan what's wrong with you?!"

"YOU FORGOT!"

Pein jumped back as Konan pulled it out is shoulder and attempted to swing it at him again.

"Stop!"

"SAY YOU LOVE ME!"

"I love you"

"LIAR!"

She ran at him and he jumped to the right narrowly missing the scythe.

"You. Are Drunk. Drop the Scythe"

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU AND YOUR PRECIOUS AKATSUKI 'KAMI'"

She swung the blade and it broke numerous tables.

"What's that?!" Pein pointed to Konan's right and she looked.

Pein rushed for the door. Not looking back he made his way upstairs to the guest rooms.

He entered a few to try and find the Akatsuki's but most proved to be young couples who screamed as he came in on them.

An alarm began to ring and the manager's voice came from the speakers in the hallways.

 _"All guests must remain calm and make an orderly evacuation outside the building. There is a scythe wielding terrorist in the premises we are sorry for any inconveniancee- AUUUUGHHH SHE'S IN HERE!"_

Suddenly the doors to every room burst open as people ran screaming for an exit.

Pein scanned the hall for any doors which remained closed. One of them would surely be the Akatsuki's.

He had to run up another floor until he finally found a locked door. Kicking it open he stared in horror as he saw Itachi tied to the bed with Orochimaru looming over him and a girl unconscious on the ground. Itachi tried saying something over the gag and Pein took it as his cue to leave. Who knew Itachi liked it kinky?

Suddenly Konan burst threw the wall into the room. Blinded by tears she swung randomly hitting Orochimaru and breaking Itachi's bonds.

"DID I GET YOU PEIN?!" She wiped her eyes and kicked Orochimaru once she realized she it was not her target.

Pein ran until he found another closed door in the same hallway. Opening the door he found Hidan, a sane looking girl, and a Priest.

"Do you Hidan, take this woman to be your wife?"

"I do"

"And do you-"

"HIDAN!"

Pein ran to the pair and grabbed the ring left by the bed's nightstand.

"You're a genious! She'll forgive me if I ask her to marry me!"

"I do" He responded.

"Not you Konan!"

"Give that back" the sane looking girl shrieked.

"No. Finders keepers, losers weepers"

He ran out the room and the lady ran after him only to step into Konan's path and be killed by the scythe.

"Oh Jashan" She whispered.

Pein turned the corner and ran another flight of stairs. On this floor he found another closed door. He scanned the inside and was about to check another floor when he heard Deidara curse in the washroom.

"Deidara I need your help with Konan!"

"HOLD ON I'M ALMOST DONE FIXING MY HAIR!"

A piece of debris narrowly missed his head as Konan yelled and swung at the wall outside the room.

"I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE PEIN"

Pein quickly slid under the bed not wanting to be in Konan's swinging range when she entered.

Another hole in the wall and Konan stepped in. Hearing noise in the washroom she broke down the door. Without looking to see who is in there she swung and Deidara screamed.

"COME ON! I JUST GOT THE GUM OUT!"

Pein stifled a giggle as he imagined Deidara with a buzz cut.

The blonde ran out the room leaving him with Konan. He was surprised Deidara valued his life over his looks.

Pein lay still under the bed as things were thrown across the room.

"Pein!" She called, "Come out come out wherever you are!"

Suddenly she jumped on the bed above him and it was split open, the blade nearly hitting him.

"I AM BEAUTIFUL!" She screamed.

"Of course. The most beautiful woman in the world. Now why don't you put that thing down?"

She laughed hard. Pein took his chance to lunge away. Running into the hallway he turned at a corner and slammed himself shut in the closest room.

"Pervert!"

He turned just in time for an old deaf lady to slap him.

Outside the room he heard her yell nearby,

"You can run but you can't hide"

He clutched his bleeding shoulder prayed his plan would work. The fate of the Akatsuki depended on it.

The wall in next to him was blown back, he took a step back as she took a step in.

"Found you~"

Pein dropped to one knee and revealed the stolen ring.

"See, I didn't forget. You are beautiful and would be even if you were fat. Will you marry me?"

Konan stared at him.

"You didn't forget"

"Of course not"

"And earlier when you said I had Kami… That was your proposal?"

"Sure"

"Yes!"

Pein sighed in relief. By himself he managed to avoid the world's greatest catastrophe. If he could handle this then destroying the leaf village should be a piece of cake.

* * *

The Akatsuki regrouped at their HQ the next day.

"How did everyone's vacation go?" Tobi asked them.

"Horrible hm!" Deidara's ponytail was no longer than a hand.

"I'd rather not attempt a vacation again" Itachi put in.

"I'm with him" Kisame agreed.

"It was a waste of time" Sasori added.

" **Are you joking? There was an all you could eat buffet!** "

"I made a ton of money" Kakuzu told them.

"I'll be taking that" Konan grabbed the wallet.

"Me and Pein need it for the wedding!"

"Glad everyone had fun haha" Tobi attempted to leave but Pein grabbed his shoulder.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"Didn't you have fun Pein-sama?"

"It's coming out of your paycheck"

"But I bought the coffee!"

Pein sighed and released him. He supposed he could use the money Kakuzu hustled to pay for expenses.

"Hey Pein"

"Yes Konan"

"Now that we're engaged I think it's time you meet my parents!"

A meeting with the in-laws? It seems there would be greater challenges to face before he could destroy the Leaf Village. Pein stared at the group of misfits arguing amongst each other. Next she would want family therapy. Yes there were many challenges to go. Pein smiled and went to make himself that much deserved cup of coffee.

* * *

The End


End file.
